The Very Secret Diaries on the Hellmouth!
by Serrafina
Summary: Can cross off "get a new vampiric helper to deal with the messier items that Alan can't handle" from my Things To Do Before I Ascend To A Higher Plane/Become A Giant Snake list. Series co-written with user Some Kind of Harmony.
1. Days of Our Unlives

**The Very Secret Diaries…on the Hellmouth!** by myself and my co-author Sara

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em.

Authors' Note: First of all, thanks to the talented Cassandra Clare, author of the original Very Secret Diaries of the Lord of the Rings characters, for giving us permission to use her idea.

Second, the numbering of the days has little to do with the actual passage of time. It is basically just saying which entry we're on. We are too lazy to work out the chronology of the episodes, and the subsequent entries of all the characters. Deal with it.

Third, this is set during season 3. Other diaries to follow.

Finally, we hope you enjoy the first VSD! Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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**Angel: Days of Our Unlives**

Day One

Ow. Must brood.

Day Two

The floor is cold. Am naked.

Day Three

Pants.

Day Four

So sorry about the last entries. Was chained to a wall, incoherent and v. bestial. Now more coherent, less bestial. Chains still there though.

I think I shall brood on chains, eternal torment, and the love of my life for a bit. Won't take long, as may all be the same thing.

Day Five

Buffy brought blood today. And dumped me. What kind of a name is Scott, anyway? Loser. I think lurking is in order.

(later...)

Lurking paid off. Saw Scott dump Buffy. Yay! Ooh. That was happiness. V. bad. Must brood.

Day Six

Lurked a bit, brooded some. Think I'm getting better. V. easy to go back to old hobbies, like riding a bicycle. Never forget a good brood.

Day Seven

Tried that tai chi thing I learned during the Boxer Rebellion. Worked v. nicely...Buffy stayed a full five minutes this time. Best thing about Boxer Rebellion was learning tai chi...Spike was so jealous. Always got me the girls...

On other note, have begun work on magnum opus as way to pass time between tai chi, five minutes with Buffy, and bouts of brooding.

Day Eight

Tai chi no good. Buffy wants to break up again. I think. But we almost kissed, for a second- does that make us dating again?

(later...)

Buffy's in trouble, darn it. Have to go destroy arm of Lagos. Suspect this might interfere with my brooding schedule.

Day Nine

Trying to fix window. Other slayer (not Buffy) broke it. Fixing it is a bit difficult, as is day and have no curtains.

Day Ten (in Spike's handwriting!)

Poured gallon of nancy-boy hair gel onto my head until looking sufficiently sexy and tormented, with v. v. stupid hair. Strutted around town like I owned it for a bit. I'm such a poofter I just have to kill myself.

Day Eleven

Have no recollection of writing last entry. Perhaps all this brooding is going to my head. On other note, am out of hair gel.

Day Twelve

Been having the weirdest dreams. Wonder if Spike had time to put something in my

blood before he left town.

On plus side, dream about the tap dancing doll that came to life as the reincarnated soul of its owner's recently deceased lover v. inspirational for magnum opus.

Day Thirteen

Magnum opus progressing nicely. Hope someday to see it on the small screen. Have purchased television expressly for this purpose.

Day Fourteen

Today's Buffy's birthday. Marked it special on my calendar so i wouldn't forget. Put my calender next to my hair gel so I wouldn't lose it. V. effective strategy. Never lose my hair gel.

(later...)

Gave Buffy poetry book with the best scenes from m.o. tucked in the binding. Was quite nervous to see her reaction. She said she liked arm-in-a-box better. V. dissapointed. Not like her, as scenes were v. well written.

She's probably having a bad day.

Day Fifteen

Big apocalypse yesterday. V. distracting. Had fantastic idea for m.o. It was dramatic and passionate, I almost wrote some great music to play in the background, but forgot all of it. Too busy arguing with Buffy.

Day Sixteen

Other slayer having bad effect on Buffy. Keeping her out at night. Must teach Buffy to brood.

Day Seventeen

V. odd. 2 Willows, and 1 an evil twin. Almost exact plotpoint from my m.o. Knew I should've gotten that copyrighted.

Day Eighteen

Oz helped me set up television in mansion. Do not get cable, but found v. intriguing show called Passions.

Day Nineteen

V. disturbed. Must write angry letter to producers of Passions, as suspect

they have been doing some lurking of their own. Plot in which young man of unknown parenthood falls in love with young woman who may be his sister (while other girl who may be his sister falls in love with him) taken almost directly from pages of my own m.o.

Day Twenty

Faith got blood on favorite shirt. Used to be perfect for brooding. Could brood with blood, but just sounds silly.

Oh, and Buffy dumped me again.

Day Twenty-One

Buffy's invited me to Prom. Wants me to wear a tux. But so hard to find one that fits right. And I'd have to buy more hair gel... I think I'll say no.

Day Twenty-Two

Dreampt Buffy on fire. V. pretty. Suddenly miss Lagos... need new arm to burn.

Wore tux in dream. Looked v. sexy and tormented...maybe I'll go to Prom after all.

Day Twenty-Three

Showed Buffy m.o., asked whether I should send it to UPN or WB. Didn't get an answer.

Day Twenty-Four

Buffy still reading m.o., refuses to tell me what she thinks. V. frustrating.

Day Twenty-Five

Buffy asked today if the scoobies could use m.o. when fighting the mayor. I said to read the scene where Delilah recovers from amnesia and realizes she's been sleeping with the man who works the icecream cart by her work. V. powerful. Brings me to tears every time. Buffy said it might bring the mayor to tears, too, only in a different way.

Don't get her meaning there.

Day Twenty-Six

Got her meaning.

Hey!

Day Twenty-Seven

Buffy and I aren't working out. I think this break-up's the real deal. Must leave town. Perhaps Hawaii? Never been there.

Day Twenty-Eight

On second thought, Hawaii too...what's the word...sunny. Thinking LA now. Buffy was there this summer, said it's v. miserable. Sounds like my kinda place.

Day Twenty-Nine

Mentioned plan to move to Los Angeles to Willy the Snitch. Willy said it was fitting. Told him I agreed, as I was v. miserable without the love of my life. Willy made little sound in back of throat. Suspect he may have been laughing at me. Don't know what was so funny. Don't like Willy v. much. Will not be sending him Christmas card this year.


	2. The Human Diary of a Teenage Werewolf

**Oz: The Human Diary of a Teenage Werewolf**

Note: Again, the "days" for the entries are a way of separating entries and do not actually correspond with the time frame of Buffy season 3. You'll live.

Feedback: Always appreciated.

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Day One

Missed another vamp last night. That trick only works in movies.

Day Two

Willow less pleased by my presence at school than had expected. Thought she'd like a slacker boyfriend who sleeps through classes and yet manages to challenge her academically despite all odds. That and potential making out time. Also thought she'd noticed when I didn't go to summer school.

Day Three

Wolf sense is wacky... I smell a hootenanny. And dead cat.

Day Four

Found dead cat, suggested we name it Patches. Name choice not approved by group.

Day Five

Mom borrowed chains from my closet. Said something about uncontrollable urges. Damn, didn't think she was figuring it out.

Day Six

I might have eaten someone. Faith's standing watch. Hope she doesn't mind nudity with her morning.

Something tells me it won't be an issue.

Day Seven

Mom ate a ton of that band candy stuff and then asked about my day.

Willow and the others warned that candy was making adults act weird, but I just wasn't prepared for anything like this.

Day Eight

Living flame v. pretty, v. hypnotic. Almost like moon.

Oh, and getting sucked into hell with a sword through your chest--not as fatal as you might think.

Day Nine

Willow's gone. Wonder if all that bowling tough talk was a lie... Too bad. I'm pretty good.

Day Ten

Willow and I seem to be over. Don't know what to say--thought that we had a meaningful, steady relationship. Also didn't think life-threatening situations turned Willow on. That's not why she would offer to wait by my cage, is it? On other note, close to getting that E flat diminished 9th.

Day Eleven

E flat diminished 9th will have to wait, going over to Willow's later. We seem to be doing a teenage drama thing. It's confusing.

Later...

Turned down Willow-in-red-dress-with Barry White background music for pajama party, complete with feather boa and the theme from A Summer Place. Guess this means we're back together.

Day Twelve

Willow almost burnt at stake. Instead I'm supposed to go over her house for dinner next week. Fair trade.

Day Thirteen

Think I'd prefer being burnt at stake to Willow's mother.

Day Fourteen

Buffy gets to go to an ice show. Not fair. Ice is cool; it's water, but it's not.

Day Fifteen

Apocalypse last night. Feel strangely full today.

Day Sixteen

Uncle Ken bringing Cousin Jordy to visit for the weekend.

Day Seventeen

Strangest day of my life. Willow turned into not-Willow then back into Willow, just Willow-in-not-Willow-outfit. After having my heart ripped out and stomped on by very existence of not-Willow, found out that not-Willow was Willow from other dimension. And possibly gay.

Mom wondered why Cousin Jordy kept howling last night. Uncle Ken said he's teething. Looks more like fanging to me.

Day Eighteen

Managed to sneak away from Jordy for a day. This really isn't a two-werewolf town.

Helped Angel set up TV. He must be tired of brooding if he's resorting to daytime soaps.

Day Nineteen

Faith's evil. Mayor's evil. Angel's evil. Sensing a pattern.

Day Twenty

Buffy's psychic. Angel's not evil, but lunch lady is.

Day Twenty-One

Smashed something today. Should try it more often. In other news, Willow's not going to england, and I'm not repeating senior year again.

Day Twenty-Two

Hell hounds attacking prom. Buffy says we party.

Day Twenty-Three

Suggested we attack the mayor with hummus. Told Cordelia just trying to keep things in perspective, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds. We'd need to import the chickpeas, though... Sunnydale's not big on the Middle Eastern cusine.

Day Twenty-Four

Things looking up. Found hummus supplier in LA. Now all we need is a gigantic bucket, some string, and a conveniently placed door...

Later...

Damn. Buffy perfected her plan first. Now what will I do with 200 lbs hummus?

Day Twenty-Five

Panicking with Willow so much better than panicking by myself.

Day Twenty-Six

Willow showed me Angel's manuscript. Pure art. Just can't look at him the same way anymore.

Partly because he's in LA now.


	3. Slayers Rule, Vampires Drool

**Buffy: Slayers Rule, Vampires Drool...No, really. It's gross.**

Day One

Thought LA was glamourous. SO wrong. Checkered aprons--'nuff said. I suspect demons.

Day Two

What's-her-face looked at me funny when I was doing a Ghandi impression today. He was that Viking, right? The one that discovered Greenland? ... Maybe I shouldn't have slept through history last year... and the year before...

Day Three

Friends threw welcome home party with zombies. Lousy friends. Zombies so gross, gore stains so hard to wash out.

Day Four

Remind me why I wanted to go back to school?

Day Five

Don't like new girl, Faith. V. annoying. Stole slayer bit. And might be prettier than me.

On other hand, she seems to be a slut.

Day Six

Found naked insane Angel. V. frightening, but not as frightening as how quickly I found those chains.

Later...

Cordelia SO not as pretty as me. Not bad with a spatula though.

Day Eight

Hate Ethan Rayne. Hate parents. WISH I hated chocolate--so bad for complexion. but I don't, it's too yummy.

Day Nine

Faith got a new watcher. Didn't think it was possible to wear outfits worse than tweed.

Speaking of Giles, he's being all weird--just because I didn't tell him my sometimes-psychotic sometimes-boyfriend who killed his girlfriend and then tortured him has come back from the dead is no reason to get all pissy...

Maybe it's the tweed.

Day Ten

You know you're having a bad day when you take romantic advice from Spike. Sad drunk NOT flattering on him.

Day Eleven

Just because we're broken up Angel thinks it's ok to be more interested in dead people than in me. Feel pout coming on.

Day Twelve

Mom almost burned me at stake today. Felt a little better after staking Hansel and Gretel.

Day Thirteen

Ok, so not only did Dad ditch me and my ice show, he got tickets to "Little Mermaid on Ice." Again. I've been watching that Flounder actor dance around to "Under the Sea" since he was in his late forties...now I'm just scared for his health.

Oh, and Angel gave me this weird book with this script inside. Didn't think he watched TV... I mean, that'd be like 200 years worth of reruns.

V. disturbed. He needs to get out more.

Day Fourteen

Giles got fired. After he nearly got me and Mom killed I'd say it was fair, but nobody deserves to be stuck as a librarian.

Day Fifteen

Big-time apocalypse again tonight.

Wonder if I have time to fix my hair.

Day Sixteen

Faith chick not so bad...crime super-sexy, though handcuffs not quite the image I was going for.

Day Seventeen

Partying went downhill in a girls-gone-wild-with-weaponry kinda way. On the up side, now I can live pleather free.

Day Eighteen

Thought Willow was over the whole me-and-Faith thing. But no, and she just HAD to bring back the pleather. From another dimension no less--there has to be an easier way to make a statement.

Angel was so sweet. he was really upset for Will. Only he kept muttering something about copyright infringement. That was weird.

Day Ninteen

Angel considerably less sweet when going pscho-killer. Even if he was faking it. I think it's that time of the month again...

Later...

Um, the time of the month when Angel and I break up.

That was obvious, right?

Day Twenty

Psychic! V. fun to know what people think. Well, except Giles (what does he know about fashion, anyway? stupid British guy). Well, and Xander (ew). And Cordelia (honestly, could anyone be more ditsy? If I have to hear about her split ends one more time...)

Later...

Still psychic.

Ow.

OW!

People think too much.

Day Twenty-One

SPLIT ENDS! Must be demons.

Later...

Have tried shampoo, conditioner, hairspray and some of Angel's hair gel. All at once. Split ends v. resilient. Cannot cope. Am leaving sunnydale.

Day Twenty-Two

Have to stay in Sunnydale or else evil mayor will take over world. Drat. Stupid politicians.

Day Twenty-Three

What's the point of a stupid brooding boyfriend if he won't take you to your senior prom? Really, how hard is it to find a tux?

Day Twenty-Four

Angel gave me another script. V. confused. Aren't moody boyfriends supposed to write songs? Or stalker poetry? I mean, this script has a tap-dancing puppet... It's official. Angel has the WORST taste in gifts.

Would prefer a mix tape.

Day Twenty-Five

Angel looked v. sexy and tormented in tux. Hell hounds bit of a downer though, as crazy Tucker trained them to attack the fashionable--seriously, what's up with that? Must be v. crazy to want to kill pretty people.

V. worried about angel. Just can't look at him the same way.

Day Twenty-Six

Part in script about doll-eroticism made me hurl. Then slayer dream gave me v. brilliant idea to destroy mayor. Even giant snakes can hurl. I think. Didn't cover that in Bio, or maybe I was asleep.

Day Twenty-Seven

Angel thinks m.o. can make mayor weep--must agree there.

Day Twenty-Eight

Angel not as smart as I thought, though still sexy and brooding. I, on other hand, much smarter than I knew. Doll-sex and amnesiac-Delilah-sex passages killed mayor-snake's brain, just as anticipated. (yay!)

As Xander says, must be done with the book learning. On to college!


	4. The Xander Chronicles

**The Xander Chronicles**

Day One

Miss Buffy. Missed another vamp last night. There's a whole ugly missing theme going on.

Day Two

Code names awesome; Cordelia turned on by nighthawk! In other news, zombies missed Buffy too.

Day Three

Buffy should go easier on Faith. The more sexy slayer action Sunnydale sees, the better, I always say. And Faith sure is... GOOD AT FIGHTING THOSE VAMPIRES.

Sorry about that. Cordelia trying to sneak a peek at the Xander chronicles. Cordy's got a mean jealous streak when it comes to naked wrestling. And alligators.

Day Four

Fell asleep last night on Oz watch, but shouldn't be a big deal. Had the strangest dream though - Angel was back from Hell and feral. And pantsless. V. awkward.

Day Five

Called Cousin Rigby to arrange tux pick-up. Sure they shun us and all, but this whole I'm-leaving-the-suit-in-a-plastic-bag-under-a-bush-on-Main-Street seems a little ridiculous. Could at least drop it on Revello.

Day Six

Mmm, chocolate...Buffy's mom is kinda hot.

Day Seven

Saw Buffy making out with Angel. Makes no sense. Well, if my dream was prophetic and Angel had returned from Hell feral and pantsless, right around the time I was not watching Oz not attack people it would make sense. But Angel had pants on when he was making out with Buffy. Right?

He better have had pants on...

Day Eight

Willow and I made out in warehouse. Score! Cordy not too happy. Just jealous we never made out in warehouse.

Day Nine

Cordy taking jealousy bit too far. Saw her making out with another guy. Think we can get back together again? ...Would try love spell, but Amy said no.

Day Ten

White Christmas in California...and it wasn't a sign of the apocalypse!

In other news, Buffy convinced Dead Boy not to kill himself. Pity.

Day Eleven

Crawled through ventilation shaft and almost saved damsels in distress. Think I'm getting closer to actually being cool.

Day Twelve

Sticky peanut butter jars are my kryptonite. My RED kryptonite.

Day Thirteen

Apocalypse tonight and I'm not invited! At least dead guys think I'm cool.

Later...

Had sex! With Faith! Realize what this means? Can finally cross 'get laid' off list of things to do before I die. Next: Drive to all 50 states, motorboat to Costa Rica.

Day Fourteen

Either deep post-sex connection shared with Faith seems to be more imaginary than I thought, or she wanted to introduce some new "fun" to our relationship. Buffy said Faith was kinky, but I didn't get it. Um, until now.

Day Fifteen

Speaking of kinky, dominatrix Willow! Oz getting luckier than I thought. Wish we had gone farther in warehouse.

Day Sixteen

Angel evil. I TOLD YOU SO.

Day Seventeen

What the hell is a mulligan? HEY, I just went 30 seconds without thinking about sex or--Damn! Linoleum!

Day Eighteen

Who needs college anyway? Have decided to take up life on the road, as car attracted sexy blonde before.

Car also attracted dead guys, but hoping Kerouac might ward away unpoetic souls.

Day Nineteen

Agreed to go to prom with demon Anya. Hot bod aside, perhaps should have stuck with Sock Puppet of Love. SPoL may be jealous type, but lacks successful history of maiming/disfiguring hundreds and hundreds of men...

Day Twenty

Buffy has plan to defeat mayor. Something about Angel and a script, but stopped listening after she said I was key guy. Take that, Dead Boy!

Day Twenty-One

Being key-guy sheds whole new light on apocalypse situation.

Oh god, we're gonna die.

At least I got laid first.

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As always, we love feedback. Also, if anyone is a livejournal person, we have created a community (hellmouth underscore vsds) where we are posting these. There's also a fun VSD wallpaper made by my talented co-author. 


	5. How I Learned To Stop Worrying

**Giles: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Apocalypse(s)**

Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em, yada yada yada...

Note: I cannot figure out how to do strike through on this site (or in Word) so have put dashes around the text that is supposed to be struck through. Sorry for any confusion.

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Day One

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: not here at the moment.

Vampires: here.

Slayerettes: still alive.

Day Two

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: present and accounted for!

Also present: zombies. (Bloody Americans...)

Day Three

Dear Watchers,

-Right now you're all probably roasting marshmallows in the Cotswolds. In case you forgot, I like marshmallows v. much. AND I also have been known to enjoy a hike. Did I forget to mention the hiking to anyone?-

Slayer: perhaps a tad bitter at appearance of new slayer (Kendra's replacement--was there a memo?)

Me: NOT making a clucking sound with my tongue.

Day Four

Dear Watchers,

Could be the near death experiences or the tranquilizer in my hip speaking, but might it be time to amend the insurance policy?

Day Five

Dear Watchers,

It may be the head trauma speaking, but the health care leaves something to be desired.

Day Six

Dear Wankers,

Why are you reading this? Can't get your thrills elsewhere? Sod off!

(Slayer's mum is bloody hot, especially with handcuffs.)

Day Seven

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: recalcitrant.

Local cold-blooded killers who find chainsaw torture a cute hobby: plus one.

Later...

Other Slayer: also recalcitrant.

Gwendolyn Post: not a Watcher. Also dead. Where was that memo? Am I still on the mailing list??

Day Eight

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: smarter than I thought. V. proud. Could go far--we'll talk logistics later.

Me: going on a hiking retreat of my own! Ha!

Day Nine

Dear Watchers,

Events that transpired in Sunnydale while on hiking retreat: reappearance of Spike. Xander received internal (and external) bleeding from Spike-induced head wound. Magic shop trashed in fight with most local vampires. Cordelia hospitalized for spike (not Spike) through stomach. Every single teenager in Sunnydale breaks up with their signifigant other.

Perhaps there's a reason I don't go on retreats...

Day Ten

Dear Watchers,

Slayer having shared dreams with vampire. Odd. I really ought to get Christmas off, don't you think?

Day Eleven

Dear Watchers,

Could use a hand with this MOO problem...despite its heart-wrenching tale of one boy's struggle against adult expectations, My Friend Flicka is frustratingly unhelpful in the Fight Against Evil.

Day Twelve

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: turning 18.

Me: giving her the worst birthday present ever.

Explain to me again the purpose of this exercise--we do _want_ the Slayer to kill the vampire, right?

Day Thirteen

-Dear Watchers,-

Bloody hell. Now what do I do? Be a high school librarian for the rest of my life? I was the curator of the British Museum! I didn't get a PhD to watch adolescents ignore great literature and make bad jokes about how I'm "too British for words." Blast.

Day Fourteen

Well...new journal (no bloody council to address all the time), new me...good lord, what am I doing?

Oh wait, an apocalypse... something I'm familar with...

Day Fifteen

Good Lord, first I'm fired, effectively sentenced to a career at Sunnydale High, and now I'm saddled with this Wyndam-Pryce fellow. Could he be any more insufferable??

Later...

Yes, he could. Squealed like a little girl. I, on the other hand, remained very cool and collected. Things looking up. At this rate will achieve coolness before Xander.

Day Sixteen

Think time away from council has heightened my observational skills. Noticed, for example, Buffy correct in assuming Faith rather crazy. If she had to kill a man just to watch him die, could've at least done so in Reno.

Day Seventeen

That old mystical contact came in handy today. Should do more matchmaking.

Oh, and Faith's evil.

Day Eighteen

Buffy psychic. And in bad mood--keeps muttering derogatory comments about my fashion sense.

Day Nineteen

Buffy wants to leave Sunnydale (no idea why). Bit inconsiderate of her--what am I supposed to do in her absence, shelve books?

Day Twenty

Buffy could be a little less enthusiastic about this school formal. While I'm sure she'll enjoy herself, I'm going to be stuck babysitting Wesley as he ogles Cordelia. Joy.

Besides, I was lying; I would look horrible in taffeta.

Day Twenty-One

Mayor to be commencement speaker at Graduation--first time ceremony may actually be interesting.

Day Twenty-Two

Oz keeps muttering about chickpeas. Buffy has plan. Secretly have v. bad feeling about this.

Later...

Xander key to Buffy's plan.

The Earth is doomed.

Day Twenty-Three

Buffy's plan worked! Knew it would, of course. Have been gifted with v. smart, college-bound slayer. What more could an ex-watcher, ex-librarian need in his life?

Besides a library. Or girlfriend. Or job.

Blast.

* * *

-struck through-

Question for readers: which diary would you like next, Cordy or Willow? Someone else entirely?


	6. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

**Cordelia Chase: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen**

Notes: We love feedback v. v. much. And we do listen to your requests, even if we don't necessarily abide by them. Enjoy!

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Day One

Spent last night and night before fighting vampires with Xander and the other losers. But it's for Buffy's sake. Has nothing to do with Xander. Or losers.

Day Two

Party at Buffy's sucked, even though I was there AND brought dip. Buffy's just friends with all the walking dead, isn't she?

Day Three

Xander's a little too obsessed with this new slayer-person. And alligators. I could so do that.

Day Four

First I have to look at gross dead people in the morgue, then whatshisface kills his loser girlfriend and I get stuck with serious thoughts all day. The world is just conspiring to give me wrinkle lines.

Day Five

Buffy's fighting me for homecoming queen to clear up her personal childhood abandonment and self-esteem issues. She is so going to need therapy when she loses.

Day Six

My parents were FREAKS when they were teenagers. Seriously. Do not try to be cool if you're going to fail so miserably. My mother plus lycra is proof that there are just some things that should not be seen.

Day Seven

Helped stage an intervention to cure Buffy of Angel-obsession. Though if she had any intelligence of her own she'd be over that bipolar threat to her friends' (aka MY) lives on her own. Doesn't she realize her car is in danger?

Maybe if she had a car she'd have some perspective on the situation.

Day Eight

Caught Willow and Xander making out in warehouse. We never made out in a warehouse!

Day Nine

Met demon chick with surprisingly good taste in clothes, even if she is in SERIOUS need of moisturizer. Like she hasn't touched skin care in a millennium. DID help me curse Xander for warehouse thing, though, so she's not too bad.

(later)

Second thought, cursing Xander perhaps not best idea. Lost my car, and everyone dresses like the dead here.

Day Ten

Going to Aspen! V. nice to get away from all things life-threatening and Xander.

Day Eleven

Giles doesn't respect the importance of my hair. He is SO brain damaged.

Day Twelve

So Buffy lost her memory, and I thought letting her ride in my car would make her feel better but she just sat there moping like a loser and ruining her make-up. Lame.

Day Thirteen

Caught Xander trying to be cool again. You'd think he would learn that attempting that impossibility only leads to danger (but not the sexy kind), girls dumping him, and getting dissed by everyone imaginable. I guess not.

...or maybe he LIKES disaster. Would explain why he hangs out with Buffy and co.

Day Fourteen

Caught Buffy trying to be "cool", with, like, pleather and stuff. Please. As if we don't already know she's way too goody-goody-on-the-side-of-the-scorned-and-righteous to last long. Plus pleather is bad for her complexion. She's a summer, Faith's a winter...it'll never work out.

Day Fifteen

Buffy's new Watcher SO much cooler than Giles. I like a man who's stunned speechless by my presence. (Which is pretty much all of them, actually.)

Day Sixteen

Today Wesley protected me from a seriously fashion-challenged Willow. I knew it was a fluke with Giles--British people do have fashion sense. Think I'll ask him out.

Day Seventeen

Double date with Wesley, and Willow and Oz v. boring, as Wesley kept insisting on research. To save Sunnydale or whatever. Beginning to suspect he has intimacy issues...or maybe just too intimidated by my extreme beauty to make a move...

Day Eighteen

Buffy thinks she's psychic. I don't get what the big deal is, except her possible psychosis. People are paying far too much attention to her and not enough attention to the cheerleaders. Who rock, by the way.

Day Nineteen

So that minor problem Daddy's been struggling with is apparently all of our money. Imagine money being a problem! V. odd.

(later)

My parents expect me to work retail. It's officially the end of the world.

Day Twenty

Some loser made monsters that kill the fashionable. World is conspiring against me.

(later)

Buffy killed monsters, though not loser. Thank goodness, because I am officially most beautiful person at prom, and would not like to be attacked. In other news, Wesley officially has good taste, and Xander is perhaps not lamest person ever.

Day Twenty-One

Up side to apocalypse? Skipping 5th period.

Day Twenty-Two

Another bonus: got to take off that lame gown. Maroon? What idiot thought of that?

(later)

Nevermind. Practically trampled by vamps... apocalypses suck.

Day Twenty-Three

Angel wants me to come to LA with him. Says I'd make a great Delilah, whatever that means. Since I have been denied rich, preppy Columbia boys, might as well turn to hot, broody men. Even if said men are vampires. (Besides, LA's got shoes. So many shoes.)

Things not looking so bad after all.


	7. Willow the Teenage Witch

Willow the Teenage Witch

AN: If there is a way to do strike through here, I don't know it. I have put dashes around the text that is meant to be struck through.

* * *

Day One

Buffy still not back yet, but probably will be soon. I hope. In the meantime, am keeping self v. busy by perfecting my tough, empowered woman act--think the last vampire was actually frightened. Even if he got away.

Day Two

Buffy's back! V. joyous, except now quips I spent hours working on are totally useless. Difficult to slip that bit about the marzipan and pie plate into casual conversation.

(later)

Just had shouting match with Buffy...perhaps this quip thing is affecting me more than expected. Or getting really good at the empowerment.

Day Three

Senior year off to an excellent start! Have awesome guitar-playing boyfriend (as predicted), very cool friends (also predicted), Cordelia's actually being nice (not-so-predicted there), and met cool new slayer-person last night (and prediction flies right out the window).

Now if only Buffy would get along with the other slayer, and Giles would let me help with this v. neat spell he likes to be so darn vague about. Don't know why he thinks I can't handle it. That power outage was totally a fluke.

Day Four

Important life update: awesome guitar-playing boyfriend might be cold-blooded -killer- jelly doughnut. Which would be unfortunate, since jelly doughnuts are not-so-good for snuggling. You'd get all sticky. (Sorry about that, Oz just came in...)

(later)

Oz not killer! Or jelly doughnut! Knew he was the fuzzy, harmless kind of mystical beast.

Day Five

Never knew formal wear could be so...interesting. (and v. v. BAD. of course bad. why would cheating on my wonderful boyfriend to make out with my best friend who I've only been in love with since I was six years old and finally over the Barbie Incident be bad??)

Wonder if formal wear effect is universal, like with Buffy and Cordelia in the limo. They sure haven't arrived at the dance yet...

Day Six

I am surprised that Buffy's on-again-off-again-undead-sometimes-evil boyfriend is back from Hell. I feel that, in comparison, my romantic troubles don't seem so troublesome. I wish everybody else used the I-statements.

Day Seven

740 on the SATs?! What computer nerd gets a 740 on the SATs? (Even verbal, hmph.) Must go do vocabulary exercises, reread Shakespeare, and perhaps study Oxford English Dictionary.

(later)

OED will have to wait. Will be bowling with loving boyfriend Oz, and will not be thinking how cute Xander is...

(later)

Sudden inspiration! Can bowl AND use magic to cure me and Xander of troublesome crushes. Right?

Day Eight

Yesterday was v. busy. Spike kidnapped me and Xander and threatened to kill us and then we made out while Oz and Cordelia watched...Xander! Me and Xander made out! And then Oz and Cordy saw us, v. bad.

(later)

...in retrospect have decided Xander and I will not be making out again EVER and Spike is stupid and miss Oz v. v. much. Meh.

Day Nine

Still missing Oz; helping Buffy is distracting but not nearly enough. Xander says no word from Cordelia; apparently she is jealous because they never made out in warehouse. Am surprised, personally. Thought they'd made out _everywhere_.

Day Ten

Happy Hanukkah! In other news, have decided on best way to win Oz back. It's really, really good.

Day Eleven

Plan to win Oz back v. successful. He liked feather boa, which is v. lucky, as was accidentally conjured instead of wine. Still not sure how that happened. 'Boa' not quite same as 'Merlot.'

Day Twelve

I dabble AND doodle. However, would be more amused by alliteration if wasn't grounded by MOO.

Also, Mom found out about Oz. Why did I want her attention again?

Day Thirteen

Dinner with Oz and parents awkward, as mother not impressed by Oz's Potential Career Ambitions. Silly of her, really. E flat diminished ninth is v. impressive chord. Plus now I think he's taciturnly angry...at least stoically annoyed.

Things could be worse... at least I'm not a rat.

Day Fourteen

Giles got fired! All my preconceptions about adult employment shattered. Too frantic to write angry letter. Also, Buffy lost Slayer powers temporarily, totally not Giles's fault.

In other news, Amy loves her new bell!

Day Fifteen

EPIC BATTLE coming on. Apocalypse epic. Haven't seen too much of Xander, which is strange. But can't worry about that, must research a way to stop these crazy demon ladies so we don't all die.

I hope we don't all die.

Day Sixteen

Buffy ditched me and chemistry for Faith and "slayer stuff." Just don't understand. What could they possibly be doing that I'm not allowed in on? And during school hours?!

Day Seventeen

V. dramatic day at Sunnydale High. Apparently Faith's really big on taking people's virginities and/or lives. Or at least Xander's, and that guy the mayor works with. I don't know who else. Buffy should probably stop hanging out with her, though, who knows what could happen...

Oh boy. What if something happened?

Day Eighteen

Everyone thinks I'm boring. Ate banana when it wasn't lunch time and tried wacky spell, but think something more drastic is called for...perhaps involving push-up bras and pleather? ('cause Faith's been into those lately, and no one's about to call her boring...)

(later)

Wacky spell brought not-me-but-vampire-gay-dominatrix-me from other dimension. On plus side, now conveniently own pleather suit with push-up bra in my size. (Now all I need is an appropriate time to wear it...)

Day Nineteen

Field trip to town hall was v. exciting, AND totally Oz's idea. He always makes the best Scooby plans, when he makes Scooby plans.

Also Buffy oddly upset as I described Faith's taste in men for her, even after she asked. Told her there might still be hope, since Faith is probably an equal opportunity slut, but she just gave me a funny look. Don't get it. She asked!

Day Twenty

Buffy was psychic today. And yesterday, actually, but she's all back to normal Buffy now. Too bad--she could have used new superpowers to find out the mayor's dastardly plans, or what Faith is doing Friday.

Day Twenty-One

Went on a secret mission to learn more about mayor, and manged to avenge Buffy's possibly unrequited love for Faith as well...or, at least I stole stuff from under Faith's nose. I am SO empowered.

In that vein, have decided to attend UCSD--to keep fighting evil, and because I don't like scones all that much.

Day Twenty-Two

Buffy's single! I thought breakup was over Faith, but then she said something about Angel and a soap opera.

In other news, hell hounds attacking Prom. Sad, as I found v. awesome dress.

Day Twenty-Three

Prom was amazing. Oz looked v. handsome and made me feel v. sexy and empowered. Oh, and Buffy stopped the hell hounds. And then we partied.

Day Twenty-Four

Mayor showed up at a Scooby meeting today so Giles could stab his chest open and then watch it heal. Some people have strange ideas of fun. Also suddenly not so excited to leave all behind for college. The soda machine! Who will the soda machine incorrectly give root beer to next? I mean, college won't look anything like high school...

(later)

Was all panicky, but Oz stopped that...hope to get panicky again soon.

Day Twenty-Five

Understand now why Buffy broke up with Angel over soap opera. Only caught a bit of it during graduation as was fighting for my life against army of undead, but was enough. Just can't look at Angel the same way anymore.

(later)

Soda machine issue an issue no longer, as there is no more soda machine, or Sunnydale High. Practically saw the "go out with a bang" pun form in Xander's head, but luckily he held it in.

Oh! And secured a copy of Angel's manuscript from the rubble. Buffy doesn't want it now, obviously, but maybe someday she'll be able to look on this situation and laugh. Hopefully.

Also, Oz seemed kind of in love with it. Odd.

Day Twenty-Six

Wow. Have GRADUATED. Not sure why it took so long to hit me (though perhaps it may have had something to do with fear of other things hitting me, like vampires or flaming arrows), but am v. excited for college. Buffy + Faith, I think, have inspired me to reinvent myself into a new person who will perhaps experiment...with pleather!


	8. Wesley: Cuppa Tea

**Wesley: Cuppa Tea...**

AN: We offer our most humble apologies for the delay. During the course of this Very Secret Diary, we have both worked, traveled, and transplanted ourselves several hundred miles. Also, Wesley was hard.

AN 2: I still can't do strike through on this website. The text that should be struck through is surrounded by dashes, -like so.-

* * *

Day One

Tea: Darjeeling.

Rank at watcher's academy: 11th

Fieldwork tomorrow! Am v. excited to do as so few Watchers have done before me and face a real and actual Vampyr. Have read extensively on the species and am curious, frankly, to see how the transformation-to-Vampyric-state ("wrinkled forehead" process) works.

Day Two

Tea: Chamomile. Decaffeinated.

Rank at Watcher's Academy: 27th.

Don't know how this happened. All 26 above me have never faced an actual Demon of the Night. There's no telling what they would do under the incredible pressure.

Really, under the circumstances, I'm sure even Quentin Travers himself might cower and make high-pitched noises.

Day Three

Tea: English Breakfast.

Rank: 26th

Still recovering from fieldwork. And consequences of fieldwork.

On upside, at least I kept a level head (on some level) and am ready to work my way back up the ranks with Dedication, Intelligence, and Preparation. Am drinking Mr. Travers' favorite tea and rereading the Slayer's Handbook practically as we speak.

Day Four

Tea: Earl Grey.

Rank: 27th

Still not in Mr.Travers' good graces. (Don't understand--had hoped knowing Slayer Handbook cover to cover would have fixed the problem straightaway.) Was not even invited to annual Watcher's Retreat. Though was probably for the better, anyway--would have inevitably returned covered in mosquito bites or poison ivy, like last time.

Day Five

Tea: Chamomile.

Rank: 27th

Quite the drama in Sunnydale, California! Ms. Gwendolyn Post, ex-Watcher, recently went evil and attempted to rule the world. It's fascinating, really. Do recall having met her years ago, when she was also attending the Watcher's Academy. Teachers all said she was brilliant, high marks on everything. Wonder how she managed to infiltrate the council's time-honored ranking system.

...Think Lagos had anything to do with it?

Day Six

Tea: Ceylon

Rank: 26th

This Gwendolyn Post business got me thinking, so I took on a bit of an extra credit research project, to learn more of -demon-worship- Sunnydale. poked my nose in a few books, tracked down a few unfriendly sources, and...well, you get the idea.

The results: Sunnydale, California, also known as the Mouth of Hell, was originally settled by the Spaniards and they called it "Boca del Infierno." Fascinating! I should try research even more often in my free time.

Day Seven

Tea: NONE. See below.

Rank: 25th

Randy Thompson forgot to refresh the Council's supply of tea! Would be having a panic attack at inherent wrongness of Watchers Council without tea, but now I'm further up the ranks. So, as you can see, there is a silver lining after all.

Day Eight

Tea: Still none.

Rank: 23rd

Have been assigned for a second field test against a Vampyr. Without my morning cup of tea, my constitution is just not feeling stable enough for this. Coffee just does not do the trick, you know? Plus ours smells funny. But maybe this is good news. They decided -to give me a second chance- that I am ready for this trial.

(later)

You know they do say third time is the charm... I mean, Mr. Travers likes to say that the first time's your only chance, but other people believe that other option...right?

Day Nine

Cup of tea: English Breakfast

Ranking: 25th

You know I really do prefer research to fieldwork. Discoverd that "third time is the charm" belief is v. popular indeed... only a third time with the Vampyr isn't looking so appealing right now.

Oh, but I thought to send a bulk order of English Breakfast Tea, so -the council will probably save me from getting bitten and bleeding to death should that third Vampyr encounter occur- might just become a respected Watcher after all.

Day Ten

Cup of tea: still English Breakfast

Rank: 24th

Cruciamentum coming up... things getting v. exciting here at Council. Mr. Travers is getting all his accounts squared away before he leaves for, as he put it, "that hellhole." _Think_ he was talking about Sunnydale.

Day Eleven

Tea: No time for tea!

Rank: 22nd

Have been charged with the honorable task of preparing Mr. Travers's luggage for his upcoming voyage to the Mouth of Hell. So far list of accessorial items to pack includes coffee (Taster's Choice); the usual crosses and holy water; extra strong sunblock (hear the UV radiation is quite powerful in Sunnydale); maps of the United States, the Pacific Coast, and the state of California; a compass in case he gets lost in the wilds of Southern California; an American flag sweatshirt and an authentic baseball cap so he can effectively camouflage himself; some English Breakfast; some more English Breakfast just in case; and an extra pair of socks.

Day Twelve

Tea: Green

Rank: 21st

Am still amidst the packing. Didn't realize it took so long... even had to adjust my mission scenario! Original had me finished and rereading War and Peace by 2:00 pm, and seeing as it's 7:00...

Day Thirteen

Tea: Lady Grey

Rank: Up in the air

Well, Mr. Travers is off. Other Watchers-in-Training (WITs) have complained about the arduous task of preparing the luggage of the Councilors. Do not understand. Packing for Mr. Travers was a great honor. Feel incredible pride even if didn't have time to read War and Peace for the 13th time. Was well worth it. Expect to see myself rising in the ranks soon, unless I forgot something.

Dear Lord, what if I forgot something?!

Day Fourteen

Tea: English Breakfast, of course

Rank: 20th

Apparently the Slayer's rite of passage did not go as planned. Mr. Travers returned from the states all in a huff about this Watcher, Rupert Giles, and his blatant disregard for the rules of the Council. Mr. Travers was so distracted that he didn't even yell at me when I dropped all of his luggage, some of which sounded perishable, down the stairs!

Day Fifteen

Tea: Darjeeling.

Rank: irrelevant!

Am being sent to the Mouth of Hell, where I shall shepherd the Slayer through her many inevitable trials and tribulations in the battle against evil.

Really, quite pleasantly shocked at the promotion. Didn't see it coming.

...They're not just trying to get rid of me, are they?

Day Sixteen

Tea: An insufferable orange peoke I was handed by airline hostess

Rank: WIT no more!

To be frank, am rather excited about my promotion. This is going to go splendidly. I have training with Vampyrs that no other watcher has, and I have my natural intelligence (and good looks) to guide me as well. This job should be, what's the phrase again? A piece of scone? A part of a pastry?

A bit of biscuit?

Day Seventeen

Dear Watchers,

Tea: Black. Nothing so good as what the council had to offer, of course.

Slayers (!): willful and insolent.

First meeting did not go quite as anticipated. Needless to say, this Rupert Giles has been filling their heads with rubbish. And American teenagers these days are entirely unsophisticated--must be all that godawful coffee they drink. Still, have undoubtedly impressed all with my great knowledge and research skills.

(later)

My field tests against the Vampyrs had in no way prepared me for great blobby demons who like to remove kneecaps. Really, am considering writing an irate letter to Watcher's Academy recommending a change.

Day Eighteen

Dear Watchers,

Tea: Earl grey.

Slayers: Investigating.

Met a fascinating new resident of Sunnydale, California today! Her name is Miss Cordelia Chase and she teaches psychology.

TAKES psychology. Right, right.

(later)

Total and utter excitement over getting to speak to Mr. Travers again was somewhat dampened by the fact that our conversation centered around the fact one of my slayers has become a cold-blooded murderer. Was not immediately fired, but probably should have been.

Day Nineteen

Dear Watchers,

Tea: Darjeeling

Slayers: Probably not homicidal.

My field experience has proved useful after all! (or third time is the charm...only this isn't really the third time...nevermind.) Have just saved myself and Miss Chase from the dreadful clutches of a Creature of the Night.

Miss Chase is really quite mature for her age.

Day Twenty

Dear Watchers,

Slayer 1: Rather upset that Slayer 2 is evil.

Slayer 2: see above.

Cordelia quite valiantly offered to assist me in my research endeavours, alongside Buffy's other friends. Do wish Slayers were more like Cordelia, or at least had more friends like her.

Day Twenty-One

Dear Watchers, 

Slayer: psychic. (But she will never read my thoughts, for I have been highly trained in the making of secret codes at the prestigious Watcher's Academy.) 

Myself: not thinking about Ordelia-cay. Far smarter than Uffy-bay.

Day Twenty-Two

Dear Watchers,

(not-rogue) Slayer: Too centered on college plans and friendships. And also haircare...really how does she end up fighting anything?

Box of Gavrock: -with Mayor.- -not with Mayor.- with Mayor again.

Well I think so far things in Sunnydale are going fabulously. For example, I've pretty much got sarcasm down flat.

Day Twenty-Three,

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: Hunting hellhounds (see below)

Am chaperoning Sunnydale High Prom! Was worried about distraction from watching duties, of course, but have decided I can watch, er, people, just fine "007 style."

Plus Prom isn't safe from hellhounds, and avoiding the event would really be against my duties on the whole. Hellhounds trained to attack the beautiful and well-groomed, so Cordelia naturally at great risk--best if I watch her for the night.

Day Twenty-Four

Dear Watchers,

Slayer: Um, how to say it...Slayer has chosen to help the evil, evil Vampyr Angelus in his dying hours, as she is infatuated with him. In light of the Council's refusal to provide assistance, she has offered her resignation.

Sure she'll come around. This sort of thing must happen all the time.

Day Twenty-Five

-Dear Watchers,-

Oh bother. If a Watcher Watches but no one is around to Slay, is he really Watching?

At least Cordelia thinks I'm classy.

(later)

Have joined Buffy and Cordelia and others in the battle against the Mayor. Thought perhaps could be of use creating mission scenarios, but Buffy wants to use some sort of manuscript written by Angelus. He refers to the demonic text as his "magnum opus." Really, do not understand American youth.

Day Twenty-Six

Apocalypse over. Am alive, but have certainly been better. Right now it seems I am in dire need of relationship counseling. And also possibly a new spleen. Cordelia is leaving for Los Angeles with the demon and his manuscript.

Despite years of effort poured in, wondering if Watching is really the right career choice after all.

(later)

After a bit of soul-searching, have decided my good looks and charm cannot go to waste any longer. Am headed to Hollywood to try my hand at a career in film.

Failing that, I can probably make it on Passions.


	9. Everything I Need to Know I Learned

**Faith: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Daytime TV**

* * *

Day One

Found out I have superpowers today. Pretty sweet. Uptight British lady wants me to "use my powers for good" or whatever.

Day Two

Uptight British lady could use some sex or drugs or something. Needs to relax.

Also, I kick ass.

Day Three

Apparently there's more to this "slayer stuff" than meets the eye. Like, there's another one out in CA, enjoying the sun. Tanning while I'm stuck here hugging Baptist preachers in the heat.

Getting arrested was fun, though. Until Watcher bailed me out. Will miss Bubba.

Day Four

Met vampire with a funny accent, midwest or something. Was so distracted trying to place accent that vampire got away. Watcher says I need to work on my concentration skills. Sounded serious.

Maybe he was from Ohio? Or Louisiana...

Day Five

Am surprisingly good at wresting alligators. Watcher missed that, of course. Was probably off drinking tea or something. Bitch.

Day Six

Met another vamp who talks funny. Doesn't have alligators, but does look kind of like a goat. Did not appreciate my saying so.

Hey, wonder where Watcher is...

Day Seven

So Watcher's kind of dead.

Um.

(later)

Am headed to Sunnydale, CA. Mom won't care if I'm gone, or even really notice. (Must've gotten "concentration issues" from her.) And I hear the west coast is great this time of year. Always wanted to travel. Vacation or something.

Day Eight

Hitchhiking from Boston to SoCal? So dangerous. Should try it more often!

Day Nine

Drunk trucker (not my favorite driver...that had to be High Steve, or maybe Large Marge...) got me to Sunny D. It's smaller than I imagined, and other Slayer reminds me a little of Watcher. Uptight-ness seems to run in the biz. Have to see what I can do to change that.

Day Ten

So Goat Dude followed me all the way across the country...must have been REALLY pissed about the goat thing. And his face. Other Slayer helped me kill him though. She's still uptight, but she's alright.

Day Eleven

Shot a werewolf today (with a tranquilizer dart). Way more fun than watching them sleep.

...or the exact same thing. Whatever. Do enjoy the nudity with my morning though...

Day Twelve

Buffy's single (sort of) and I'm going to Homecoming with her (sort of).

(later)

Scoobies got Buffy and Cordelia to ride in the limo together. Without me. And I heard they got to kill things too. Totally not five by five.

Day Thirteen

Heard parents went toddler on everyone last night. Suppose it's cool I didn't have anyone to babysit.

...I wonder if adolescent Giles was kinda hot. Wouldn't mind alligator wrestling with HIM.

Day Fourteen

As if one uptight British lady wasn't enough. At least this one doesn't bitch about my concentration skills. Since I'm so "Spotten" and all that.*

(later)

Damn. What is it with these Watchers? They should come with a friggin' expiration date.

Day Fifteen

So Buffy really is dating again. And of all people she has to pick a back-from-the-dead vamp who already tried to kill everyone she knew.

And she's DATING.

Day Sixteen

Buffy's still jonesing for that back-from-the-dead-vamp, only now he's a back-from-the-dead-and-insane-vamp. I brought her presents and everything, but she still ran off with Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome. What does she see in him, anyway? Knew I should've gone to Bubba's big party (he did come all the way out to SunnyD, parole be damned, to see me...).

Day Seventeen

Haven't seen Buffy in a few days. That's okay, though. I have a (sort-of) working TV to keep me company. Can't get What's My Line, but daytime TV seems to be coming in okay... not that I'd watch daytime TV. Seems lame.

(later)

Was wrong! Have discovered awesome show called Passions. Totally five by five.

Day Eighteen

World was ending, but then I saved it. And got laid. Not in that order. Pretty good night.

Day Nineteen

Buffy and I have different definitions of "friends." Might be why she's still with Angel.

Clearly she does not watch Passions.

Day Twenty

New watcher is lame. Soooo lame. Sort-of hope he expires.

Day Twenty-One

Buffy's undead lover's trying to start something with me. Told me all about how he knew I was suffering, but I wasn't the only one with problems, and then rambled on about some soul business and Buffy and his "M.O."

Think he watches Passions.

(later)

Angel's emotional rambling starting to get good when new Watcher and Co. busted the party. So not cool, but I did get to punch him in the face.

Day Twenty-Two

Buffy and I have different views over the whole expiration issue. In general. Don't think I want to bat for the good team any more.

Plus bad girls are sexier, right? The Mayor thinks so anyway.

Day Twenty-Three

Mayor sent me on first recon mission. Found some v. important, top-secret documents in Angel's mansion. Started reading--very intrigued. Think is the mysterious "M.O." He woke up just as I was getting to the good part--Delilah was about to find out who she'd been sleeping with all along. Now will never know what happens next, or whether or not Delilah was actually a woman. Damn. In other news, found out that Willow can hack into Mayor's files.

(later)

Mayor wants me to kill Willow. And he bought me a PlayStation! Didn't tell him about Delilah though.

Day Twenty-Four

Have thought up genius plan! If I can only get Angel alone and all to myself (and possibly evil), I can make Buffy v. jealous AND hear what happens to Delilah. Now all I have to do is find a way to seduce him...

(later)

Went to Angel all broody and sad, but he just went on and on about how his problems are not like mine. He's probably right...writer's block is for wusses.

Day Twenty-Five

Angel doesn't like my ideas for Delilah (even after I demonstrated, damnit! I don't do that for everyone!). He keeps insisting I'm just not right for the part. Think he's got someone else already. Bitch.

Day Twenty-Six

Mayor's working on something Ascension-y, about a box or something? Dunno. Important thing is I have twizzlers, Passions is on...and I have twizzlers.

Ooh! And new boots.

Day Twenty-Seven

Tried this "miniature golf" thing the mayor's always going on about. Thought was boring at first, but forces of evil (or good?) clearly conspiring against me. Mayor slightly less enthusiastic about my new hobby after put golf ball through the wall for sixth time.

Maybe I'll just go back to Passions.

Day Twenty-Eight

I got a present from the Mayor! It's shiny and lethal!

(later)

Caught Buffy's little rhymes-with-bitch checking out the library. Tried to kill her, but she shouted something about empowerment and unrequited love and me and Buffy and by the time I'd listened to the rant (what is it with B's people?) and gotten out my present, Mayor came in to stop me. V. bad timing on his part...it would've been fun.

Day Twenty-Nine

Caught Angel discussing Delilah sex scene with Buffy--how dare he! That was MY idea! I'll show him. And B too.

(later)

Plan in place. Angel's poisoned--wicked poisoned. I'm all set for B's dramatic on-again-off-again lover confrontation.

Day Thirty

Buffy less receptive than had hoped. I even offered her twizzlers and handcuffs! She was wearing our BFF pleather pants though, so the drama was definitely there.

Mayor not pleased with my extracurricular activities. Says Passions is...something something long words, stopped listening...tried to get me to watch Cartoon Network.

Day Thirty-One

Time to blow this joint. Off to L.A. to find my way on Passions--will make Angel regret turning me down! Second best actor, my ass! He won't be laughing when I tell James E. Reilly everything about him and his little M.O.**

* * *

* [Note: We know how to spell "Spartan"]

** [Note: James E. Reilly (1948-2008) created Passions]


	10. How to Become a Giant Snake

Mayor Richard Wilkins III: How to Become a Giant Snake and Still Feel Good About Yourself

Note: I mastered the art of strike through in Word, but sadly cannot figure out how to make that transfer to this site. Once again, text that is meant to be stuck through is surrounded by dashes, -like so.- Not to be confused with items in a list, for they only have a dash at the beginning.

* * *

Day One

To Do List:

-Meet with City Council.

-Enter eBay auction for three-cornered hats (necessary for annual Show of Devotion to Flargh).

-Increase security measures in Slayer's absence--wouldn't want any wayward demon causing any untoward disturbances.

Day Two

Possible "explanations" for last night's zombie attack:

- -sale on fake blood at Ethan's Costume Shop- (Shop abandoned after last Halloween)

- -Russian invasion- (Red Scare no longer scary)

- -George A. Romero film shooting- (But why would they be filming in Sunnydale?)

- -Rabid primates attack- (No human-looking apes at the Sunnydale Zoo--should work on that.)

-Gang Related/PCP (It's a classic for a reason)

Day Three

-Caught wind of a potential new player in town--vampire, but not as antiquated as the masses. Told Alan to keep an eye on him--he's a tricky fellow, but might be useful.

-Dealt with R. Snyder and diffused a potential situation. Will be keeping the Slayer in public school for the time being. Best to have these hooligans off the streets and in the schools where we can keep two eyes on them.

-Got my new golf set in the mail today!

Day Four

Think Alan's getting too comfortable in his position. I can't see blood under his fingernails (from appropriately intense scrubbing) any more. Worried he'll start getting ideas/bring unwanted germs into the office. And germs are gross.

Am also disappointed with golf set. Perhaps intended for more amateur putters... It's getting me nowhere on that darn windmill hole.

Day Five

Can cross off "get a new vampiric helper to deal with the messier items that Alan can't handle" from my Things To Do Before I Ascend To A Higher Plane/Become A Giant Snake list. Also good to be expanding staff, since the Slayer is apparently plus one (not entirely clear on how that happened...).

Next up: prepare for sacrifice to Lurconis and contact T-Mobile--am terribly disappointed in their service in this area. Can never get a signal when I need one.

Day Six

To Do List:

-Meet with Dave from Public Works Committee regarding sewer maintenance.

- -Pacify Lurconis-

-Take suit to dry cleaners (Tide just doesn't cut it with sewage stains).

Day Seven

Think my floor is uneven; real downer for putting practice! Wonder if I could negotiate earthquake with additional sacrifices. I should have one pricey, particularity unpredictable vampire on my hands soon... (try saying that five times fast!)

Day Eight

Arranged tour with Sunnydale's boy scout troop. Children should understand authority figures... Pity the Ascension's not sooner; fear tactics v. effective. Just look at Alan!

Day Nine

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Ascend to a higher plane/become a giant snake.

2. Convey finer points of hygiene to Alan.

3. Inspire fear in the masses.

4. Perfect my cookie recipe.

5. Improve my putting--got to get all the golfing I can done while I still have thumbs!

Day Ten

Whoever this new player is, they don't know how it's done around here. Killing little children, and leaving them in the park? That's just so...unseemly. They've got no _style_, you know. Certainly can't run a campaign that way. All infanticide must be kept well under wraps.

(later)

Slayer's mother also unseemly. Made an elaborate speech about "unnatural evils" in this town. What kind of evils? All our vampires and demons are the good, dependable kind. Flaying and neck wounds are nothing next to those new dance moves the kids are thinking up.

Day Eleven

Some interesting visitors from England have shown up in town this week. Records indicate they're harmless, but I don't know. Don't understand their humor... Does Family Circus even syndicate overseas?

Day Twelve

Apocalypse coming up. Slayers can probably handle it.

Day Thirteen

Found some Eliminati vampires lurking about; will have to put a stop to them. Actually Trick found them. Between him and Alan my staff is really coming along this year. Should make Ascension (and 100 days spell) no problem!

(later)

To Do List:

- -Greet Scouts.-

-Lumber Union Reschedule.

- -Call Temp Agency.-

- -Become Invincible.-

-Meeting With PTA.

-Haircut.

Day Fourteen

First Alan, then Trick too. Bad day for me and my staff when even the shredder can't turn my frown upside down. Just don't know what to do.

(later)

Rogue slayer shredder. Not such a bad day after all!

Day Fifteen

Am starting to really like new slayer. Faith. Bought her a new apartment; old one had immoral liaisons, and some guy named "Bubba" hanging around all the time. Looked like he belonged in prison.

Day Sixteen

Faith's just the darndest thing. Stopped Slayer's little wiccan from hacking into my files and everything. Wonder if she'd like miniature golf.

(later)

Overheard Faith muttering about some "Delilah." Hope Faith made a new friend; don't think slayer or Bubba are particularly good influences. Bought Faith a PlayStation hoping to elicit answers, but so far no luck.

Day Seventeen

Angel proved v. disappointing; did not recognize Faith's superior beauty over Buffy and lose his soul in a moment of true happiness.

You know, I think it's the hair. Do you think she even owns a hairband? I just don't see how any demon could refuse her lovely face.

Day Eighteen

Canceled my putting plans to summon mage. Was worth it though, to see Faith and Angelus together. They sure do make a handsome young couple. She's growing up so fast!

(later)

With first love, comes first heartbreak...know it's got to happen, but hard to see Faith so down. Think she was crying before I came in. Heard her muttering about Delilah again too--think she broke the mage's spell?

Day Nineteen

To Do List:

-Console Faith. (bake cookies?)

-Import Box of Gavrock.

- -Dry cleaning.-

-Investigate "Delilah."

-Get back to those putting plans -- just because you'll be a giant snake soon doesn't mean this is time to slack off!

Day Twenty

Gave Faith a present (and a cookie!). Still a little blue, bet getting better. No word yet on Delilah, but Faith did get me a killer deal on the Box of Gavrock.

(later)

Vampire henchmen not good for very much. Maybe I should let Faith stake them. Might be a better stress-reliever for her than miniature golf.

Day Twenty-One

Sources say Sunnydale student breeding hellhounds to attack Prom. Won't send Faith after him... but perhaps he would make a nice addition to the team? Should always reward the promising youth.

(later)

Slayer stopped the hellhounds; students partied. With those horrid dance moves. Am beginning to remember why I want to become a giant snake.

Day Twenty-Two

Everything seems ready for the Ascension--found Faith an outfit, checked out the graduation site, ate the spiders, had secretary edit my speech. Plus, Slayer's ex-watcher stabbed me in the chest this morning, which really got the blood moving.

I'm looking forward to eating that little man.

Day Twenty-Three

Do not know what to think. Just one day shy of my Ascension, have been thrown a total curve-ball. Walked in on Faith in a...compromising situation.

She was watching Passions. _Passions_. With all the sex, and the orangutans...just not appropriate for a growing girl. Maybe the mysterious Delilah is responsible for this.

Day Twenty-Four

Ascension here! Not a day without regrets, of course; may have been too hard on Faith about TV habits. I don't think she'll be making the ceremony today.

And DELILAH. There's a regret, no more time for detective work. Who in the dickens is she??

Day Twenty-Five (in Spike's handwriting!)

Back in Sunnydale. Found this weird book in the old high school. WTF? Snake? Is that what that bloody awful smell is? Good stuff about the poofter though.


End file.
